


One False Jump

by OrigamiPrincess



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Gen, Honestly I have no idea where this is going exactly, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Quantum Mechanics, Sibling Appreciation, Sibling Bonding, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, crack with a plot, hand wavey science, inaccurate science, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:07:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrigamiPrincess/pseuds/OrigamiPrincess
Summary: It was a complicated jump, but Five could (and had) done jumps far more complicated in his sleep.It's just that he acted before his brain had a chance to catch up and now he had to recreate the circumstances of this disaster if he wanted to keep his sanity.The body swap fic no one asked for but I have provided anyways. You're welcome.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Allison Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Ben Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Diego Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Klaus Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone
Comments: 51
Kudos: 284





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to what has become my life during quarantine!
> 
> That's actually a lie because my life during quarantine is lurking in the corners of AO3, waiting for fics to be published while not actually providing anything in return.
> 
> I also start my days picking flowers (weeds) from the yard and decorating my cat's grave like some sort of grieving widow from the 1800s. But not sad. I just use it as an excuse to check on my flowers. So like some sort of weird crappy witch tending to her roses and azaleas.
> 
> At any rate... this idea came from my good friend Rebecca that morphed into what you see. I actually wrote an in media res scene that cracked me up so much I just had to write an entire fic. That scene will be part of this, don't worry.
> 
> And, of course, that fic is long. And descriptive. Because I can't just WRITE something, I have to write it the way I imagine it. And I imagine way too many details.
> 
> So! Without further ado, here you are!

When Five looked back to try and determine exactly what happened, even he couldn't make much sense of it. 

They had all been together at the mall, all six of them. Klaus would argue all _seven_ of them as Ben was with him, but as Ben seemed tethered to Klaus, did that really count?

Regardless, they were all together and actually getting along for once. Well, "getting along" was a very loose and ambiguous term, but there were no raised voices or blood, so Five figured that was about as best as he could hope for.

He didn't see how it all started. He was taking his coffee ice cream cone from Vanya and was turned in the wrong direction. All he knew was there was some sort of explosion in the distance, the roaring heat sweeping over them in a tsunami of oppressive air current, and he hadn't even taken the time to form another thought before he unceremoniously dropped his cone, dragged Vanya over to his siblings huddled around their own sweet treats, and jumped.

It got a little warbled after that. His jumps required precise calculations, even the simple ones he performed with little fanfare because those calculations had become second nature. He knew exactly how his body, his consciousness, basically everything fit into his jumps. It became quite a bit more complicated when he had a passenger. That took planning and precision to ensure that even the simplest jumps turned out correctly. He definitely did not plan on miscalculating and ending up with a child version of his siblings.

Once they had settled into a rhythm of their normal lives, post apocalypse, he began the calculations if he should ever need to jump with one of his siblings. It didn't hurt to be prepared, and if there was anything his life had taught him, being over-prepared ensured survival. 

What he hadn't exactly counted on was having to jump all five of his siblings at once without any sort of calculations beforehand. 

Things got quite messy after that, the sparking blue of his powers blinking sharply behind his eyes as he did his best to contain all of them from slipping into the inbetween space of his jump. There were wild sparks of other colors, violent and raw, crackling with an energy he had never felt before. Everything became too close and too far at once, distorting the space around them like a fun house mirror.

Then an all consuming white noise. Five wasn't sure he actually lost consciousness because nothing faded to black, but the droning of the white noise, rough against his skin, held him in a semi-conscious state. At least, he thought he was semi-conscious. Nothing existed but his thoughts and the buzzing whiteness. And then, as quickly as everything fled him, it all came back at once.

\----------------

Feeling flooded back into his body left a staticky itch sparking across his skin. Sound came next, a dull roar turning into pained moans of despair. He was on a cold and hard surface, but his nose detected the unique pungence of furniture polish and despair that made up the Hargreeves Manor. Good, at least he had made it back to the manor. He pried open his eyes and gazed up at the chandelier swaying gently above his head. Groaning, he put a hand to his forehead and kneaded it sharply before turning his head to the side to check on his siblings.

Only to be met with the sight of his own face.

A high pitched yelp left his lips as he scrambled away from the perfect doppelganger of his body lying bonelessly a foot away from him on the ground. A bruise decorated the right temple, face lax in unconsciousness. He crawled a bit closer, curious at this new development, before his brother popped up between them.

"Oh my God, Klaus, I've been trying to get your attention! Are you okay, man? What even happened?" Ben shot rapid fire questions, hands fluttering in worry.

Five stared at Ben, who had definitely not been there before. Had he somehow made Ben corporeal in the same way he duplicated his body? But that didn't make any sense. Curiously, he swiped a hand at Ben's chest, fingers sinking through. Not corporeal then. So how was he visible? 

His eyes quickly darted around the dog pile of bodies surrounding him, searching for Klaus. Was he consciously making Ben corporeal? Klaus had been working on that endeavor recently, but had been met with varying success. His eyes scanned the faces of his siblings twice over before he came to the conclusion that Klaus was missing.

Oh God, had he left him at the mall? Lost him in the void? Was Ben all that was left of him? Was Ben here to haunt Five for letting their brother disintegrate into the cosmos?

"Klaus man, come on, calm down. Deep breaths. In four, hold four, out four. Come on, breathe with me. In four-"

"Ben?" Five asked, voice cracking with emotion. 

"Yeah, Klaus, I'm here," Ben soothed, kneeling down in front of Five and reaching for his hand. "It's fine. We're all safe. Five got us here."

Five furrowed his brow, confused. "I... didn't lose Klaus in the jump?"

It was Ben's turn to scrunch his face up in bafflement. "What are you talking about? Are you okay? Did you hit your head? I know you're clean, so you can't be high-"

"Ben," Five said as gently as he could. "Klaus isn't here. It's me, Five."

Ben's mouth fell open as he stared at Five, gobsmacked. Ben turned to stare at the doppelganger and then back at Five. A heavy silence fell over them both.

It was only during that moment of confusion that Five noticed two things. One, his hands were far larger than usual, an adornment of flashy rings clinking as he moved. Two, there was a small child, no older than seven, limping towards him clutching a headless teddy bear, both eyes burned out of her sockets.

He stared at the doppelganger of himself, eyelids fluttering with a groan before he locked eyes with Ben.

" _Shit_."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone wakes up to find they are not in the body they remember.
> 
> Five keeps finding harder and harder problems to solve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, look! An update!
> 
> I have a better idea where this is going, so I hope I can bang out some more chapters soon.
> 
> Unfortunately/Fortunately, it seems to be getting more and more complex with a lot of future Five whump.
> 
> I promise I love you, Five Hargreeves.
> 
> As always, thank you so much to my friend Rebecca who "Five proofed" this for me and continues to be an amazing sounding board! She's also who you have to thank for this idea.

Five's body-- his _actual_ body-- twitched again as his eyelids fluttered open. Five watched with a sort of detached fascination. It was an actual full blown out of body experience in an incredibly in body way.

"My head…" his body groaned, hand clutching at his temple before his green eyes met Five's own gaze. And wasn't that completely jarring and disturbing?

"Klaus?" his body asked softly before stopping and pulling his hand to his face. Their face? Five's own head spun with disorientation. Better to refer to everything without ownership for the time being. "What the hell?" The hand wiggled its fingers in front of the face before the body shot to its feet and looked around. Five surveyed the rest of the room as well, the rest of his siblings out cold. Or perhaps waiting for their consciousnesses to return? It was difficult to say.

The body which once belonged to Five swung its gaze back to him, a raw and vulnerable look on its face. "Klaus?" it asked nervously. 

It was that moment Ben decided to interrupt. "You're not Klaus," he said slowly, more declaration than question.

"No," Five agreed, wiggling his toes in what were frankly the most uncomfortable boots Five had ever worn. 

"No?" his body echoed, face scrunching in confusion at the non sequitur. 

"Five," he said a bit absently, stretching out the long limbs of who he now recognized as belonging to Klaus. Did belong to Klaus. Now belonged to Five.

Realization dawned on both Ben's and his former face at almost the same moment. His body shuffled over to where Allison lay, fingers lightly tracing her cheekbone in shock.

"Allison?" he asked softly, though his body-- Allison-- flinched all the same.

"I don't understand," Allison replied back, equally soft, as if worried she would wake their siblings. 

Ben was now wandering through the pile of his remaining siblings, seemingly trying to sense which one contained Klaus. Because now that it was confirmed, it made complete sense to Five. Not sense, perhaps, but it felt _correct_. If he was in Klaus' body and Allison in his own, logic suggested that Klaus resided in one of the other bodies strewn about in the foyer.

Luther elicited a tiny moan next, stretching an arm and smacking Vanya in the face. 

"What the hell, Luther," Vanya muttered, eyes squeezed shut under the onslaught of consciousness.

Luther stiffened and bolted upright, jarring Diego and Allison-- well, her body, Five amended. A squeak made it past Luther's lips as he stared in abject horror at Vanya. Vanya, for her part, stared up at Luther in confusion before swinging her gaze to Diego who was stretching like a cat.

"What a lovely dream!" Diego drawled, stretched like a starfish on the floor.

Vanya made a strange choking sound deep in her throat. Allison's body was examining herself like she had never seen the body before.

Panic was beginning to thicken the air, making Five's new body shiver ominously. He didn't have time for this shit.

"Alright," he announced, pleased by the slightly deeper tone and the authority that came with it. "So we've apparently switched bodies," he announced flatly. "Save the panicking, I need to know where everyone ended up."

Five pairs of eyes stared at him blankly. Luther was twitching like he had short circuited and Vanya had her mouth open to interrupt, so he beat her to it.

"Luther?" he asked, scanning for recognition. Allison's body flinched. Five nodded dismissively.

"Diego?"

Vanya's face whipped towards him, snarl at the ready. Such an interesting expression for their normally placid sister. He tucked that information away for later.

"Okay. Allison I know," he gestured to where his body knelt in the middle of the room. His body's expression had smoothed into a blank mask he was very familiar with.

"What the hell, Klaus?" Diego squeaked from Vanya's body, interrupting his checklist.

"Not Klaus," Five retorted back.

"Not me!" Diego chimed in at the same time. Diego stared at his body in stunned silence.

Five nodded once. "Alright. Vanya?" He turned to Luther's hulking form which was now folded smaller than he had ever seen. Luther met his eyes, wonderment overtaking the confusion. At least one of them wasn't panicking. Good.

"Oh my God, Diego. How can you _wear_ this? It's so unflattering!" Diego whined, gesturing to his bulky sweater and mom jeans.

Make that two people not panicking, Five corrected before mentally dismissing Klaus as any sort of help with this situation.

"You're not making any sense," his body protested.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. "Look. We jumped. Something happened and we switched. End of story."

"No, this is _not_ the end of the story. How do we get back?" Vanya asked a bit hysterically. The chandelier above them shuddered ominously.

"I'm working on it," Five hissed through Klaus' clenched teeth. He just needed some time to think. His mind was already reworking the equations permutations flitting about his mind like moths. He just needed some _damn peace_.

It was at that moment that he noticed the loud clamoring wasn't coming exclusively from his siblings, who were mostly sitting quietly with various expressions of wonderment. A child, no older than six, stood in front of him, a neat hole right in the center of his forehead. His eyes were boring into Five, an ugly snarl marring the cherubic face. Behind him, a young woman stood, head slightly crooked from the gaping wound in her neck. 

Ben returned to his side, a ghostly hand patting his shoulder reassuringly. He felt like a complete idiot. He was Klaus and being Klaus came with seeing the dead. It made sense. Their abilities were linked to their bodies, their genes. Their personalities, their souls so to speak, were not inseparable from those abilities. 

Which brought up a different thought that threatened to steal his breath in something he refused to think of as panic. He would and could solve this problem, but he had no control over actually fixing it. His body was not his own and Allison didn't have the decades of experience he had with exploring his abilities to the fullest. 

He took a calming sigh. _If it can be thought, it can be done and a problem can be overcome_ , he quoted to himself. Nodding once, he turned towards the staircase towards his room.

_"Why did I have to die?"_ a voice cooed in his ear, freezing his body without his permission. _"Why did you kill me?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, in case you need a cheat sheet of who everyone is:
> 
> Luther's mind is in Allison's body.  
> Diego's mind is in Vanya's body.  
> Allison's mind is in Five's body.  
> Klaus' mind is in Diego's body.  
> Five's mind is in Klaus' body.  
> Ben doesn't have a body.  
> Vanya's mind is in Luther's body.
> 
> And the problems keep piling up. 
> 
> Drop a line or a kudos if you wish! They mean the world to me!
> 
> Also, if you have any suggestions as to what you want to see, feel free to offer them up! If I utilize them, I will give you credit!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five finds out the consequences of inhabiting Klaus' body and the siblings have a wardrobe change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you didn't have to wait another month for an update, yay!
> 
> I got a new phone and I've been TRYING to transfer over all my info but it's taking forever and if I use EITHER phone while they talk to each other, they stop transferring and I have to start all over again.
> 
> So that's been incredibly frustrating.
> 
> Good for you guys though, because you get another chapter!
> 
> The second half of this chapter was the in media res snippet I wrote when I first was playing with this body swap idea. It made me laugh so much, I decided to write it. This was back when I thought this would be a crack one shot, but it works here.
> 
> I have made an executive decision to refer to each character by their body (outwards appearance) UNLESS another character is referring to them by name. It's still confusing, but I've tried very hard to make it so the bodies act like the characters inside of them.
> 
> So yeah. After that weird not-innuendo, please enjoy!

The longer Five was conscious, the more obvious it became that Klaus' powers were very much working. It wasn't so bad at first as he walked up the stairs towards his room, dodging bloody phantoms every few steps. He was trying to take Ben's advice and not make eye contact, but it was becoming increasingly more difficult as he waded through an ever increasing mob of the dead. More than half that popped up in his peripheral vision wore the faces of his contracts over his many years working with the Commission. At least, whatever remained of their faces.

Five didn't need their faces to know who they were, though. He had memorized every dossier over the years as a glorified contract hitman, down to the last outfits they would ever wear. No, it was quite obvious who they were as the chorus of _Five… Five… FIVE…_ began to swallow up the sounds of his siblings still bickering in the foyer.

It had always been a means to an end, agreeing to become a temporal assassin. The jobs, the many targets he was directed to eliminate, everything he had done was a step towards getting back to his family, his _time_. He didn't regret a thing he had done to achieve that objective. That didn't mean he was immune to their afterlife pleas and screamed demands for justice. Especially not if all of them gathered. Five was very good at his job, just like he told Luther. That didn't mean he enjoyed it. And there was also the added fact that he was a _sniper_. He had only seen the faces of his targets through the lens of his rifle. Having them up close added another layer of agonizing realness.

Ben walked a step behind him, eyes wide as he took in the angry specters rushing into Five's line of sight. There were scores of them, colors muted in death, blending into one another and creating a veritable wall between Five and reality.

He didn't even notice he had arrived at his room, he just plowed straight into the closed door. Ben winced and gave him a pitying look as Five fumbled for the knob blindly before stumbling into his room and slamming the door in the ghosts' faces. The noise dimmed long enough for him to take a breath of relief before reaching fingers went _through_ the door and began to gather around Five's sprawled form. Desperately, he clenched Klaus' hands over his ears to drive out the cacophony, only to find that he wasn't hearing them with _ears_ and wasn't that incredibly inconvenient. He swung his gaze towards Ben who, to his credit, was trying his best to corral the ghosts away from Five to give him any type of room to breathe. 

His head rang with the screams, each one just as crisply heard as the next, as his thoughts spun out of control. He needed to figure out the equations, figure out what had gone wrong, but he just couldn't form a single thought without it being chased away by this macabre chorus of the dead. Briefly, a memory flashed to the front of his mind of Klaus, curled in a corner and sobbing with his hands so firmly latched over his ears his knuckles were white, before it was gone and more angry voices replaced it. 

He took a breath, smothering his own sob, fisting Klaus' hands into his hair, tugging lightly. He needed them to stop, he needed them to be quiet, he needed them to-

" _SHUT UP!_ " he screeched, vocal cords scraped raw with the power of the command.

Abruptly, the ghosts went silent. They still gnashed their teeth and groped towards him, but their voices were seemingly stolen. Ben stared at him in shock.

He panted in the newly gained silence, desperate breaths irritating his now raw throat.

It was that moment that Diego barreled into the room, eyes wide and frantic, roving over the room before catching Five's gaze. He took in Five's borrowed body, collapsed on the floor like a puppet with its strings cut, before searching around the room again, looking for-- _Right_ , Five thought. _Not Diego_.

When all but a ruined squeak came out, Five cleared his throat and tried again. "It's fine, Klaus." He was quite proud of the fact his voice didn't betray how very _not fine_ he had been moments before.

Diego looked at him disbelievingly, a look he had seemingly mastered over his years as vigilante, before backing up towards the door with a weirdly vulnerable look on his face. Silence stretched between them, Five not sure what was going on in Klaus' mind while he fidgeted in Diego's body that hovered in the doorway. It was fortunate they didn't have time for this mine filled topic of discussion.

"Tell the others to get decent," he told Diego as he got up from the floor. "I need to visit the site where the problem arose so I can have more clearly defined equations."

Diego stared at him dumbly for a moment. "All of us?"

Five sighed a bit more dramatically than he normally would have, mind still gathering his scattered thoughts. "Yes, Klaus. This is a problem that involves _all of us_ so I need _all of us_ to find a solution."

Diego continued to stare, not moving to leave.

Five growled, which felt very satisfying deep in Klaus' throat. "Do you need an _invitation_?" he snarled.

Diego huffed in his own dramatic fashion before fluttering his hands dismissively. "Fine, fine, you brute. I will go and tell our siblings that the all mighty Five wishes them to come along for a field trip." Diego turned back and winked at Five before flouncing away in the most odd sight Five had ever seen come from their stocky brother.

\---------------

Allison was the first to slink down into the foyer. She was walking hunched over, making her lithe frame almost bend in half. She was wearing at least four layers, an odd assortment of chiffon and cotton and chemise all pulled on top of one another. She wobbled on the kitten heels she had pulled on, obviously not finding a pair of sensible shoes. She hid his face behind her curls, bronze skin burning an embarrassed shade of pink.

Five's body came next, dressed in Five's new jeans Vanya had gotten for him a few weeks ago and a simple blue v-neck. Five cringed at the casualness of it.

Five's body glanced at Allison. "Did you happen to leave _any_ clothes in my closet?" his body asked wryly. Allison just hunched in further on herself. Five's body eyed the heels. "You do know I have a pair of tennis shoes under my bed, right?"

Allison just gave a little moan.

Luther wandered in next, bumbling around in his hulking form. He, at least, didn't change his normal wardrobe. He did, however, smack into Five's body sending it to the floor with a hard smack of its knees. Five winced, almost convinced he could feel the phantom pain coming from his body.

Vanya appeared next. She had donned a tight black turtleneck shirt and tight black leather pants. She had rolled the cuffs of the pants that obviously did not belong in her wardrobe up to accommodate her small frame. She swaggered in like somehow this whole situation didn't phase her at all. Five smelled the B.S.

Luther let out an undignified squeak, the sound entirely foreign and incredibly wrong coming from Luther's vocal cords. "What in God's name are you wearing?" he hissed, ears red with humiliation.

Vanya looked down at her ensemble and then back up at Luther. "My uniform." She frowned down at her chest and adjusted the bra very uneasily. "Are these supposed to be this uncomfortable all the time?" She stuck a hand under her shirt to get better access to the bra.

Luther watched, mortification written all over his features. 

Five's body stood from the ground and smacked Vanya's hand away. "Stop debasing our sister."

Vanya had the wherewithal to look ashamed.

"Do I dare ask where the pants came from?" Five asked, having an idea but wanting to hear it confirmed.

Vanya grinned. "Klaus."

Five rolled his eyes and sighed, tapping his foot. The dress shoe made a very nice and irritating rapping noise as he struck the wooden floor. "And where is Klaus?"

"Here, darlings!" came the joyous voice from above them at least two octaves higher than Diego's normal voice. He leapt to each step like he was some sort of ballerina, reaching them with a flourish of his arms. 

"W-w-w…" Vanya chewed on the consonant in horror. "W-what the _hell are you wearing?_ " The chandelier vibrated in warning.

"Oh, this little thing?" Diego made a show of admiring his ensemble. He was wearing the tightest red pants Five had ever seen that left _nothing_ to the imagination and not a stitch of anything else. In fact, Five was incredibly curious about how Klaus had managed to get Diego's muscular frame into the pants to begin with. He was also vaguely worried about the blood flow to certain… _pertinent_ bits of anatomy. "Just a little something I had in my closet. You're welcome," he winked.

Five's body and Luther immediately averted their eyes. Allison made a strangled sound and buried her face in her hands. 

Five gave an exasperated sigh. " _No_."

Diego glanced his way. " _Oh_!" he squealed in delight. "Don't I clean up _nicely_ , if I do say so myself." He walked around Five, admiration and glee on his face. "Rawr," he playfully growled, giving Five a wink. "Where did you have the time to get a tailored suit, might I so humbly enquire?"

"Don't engage," Ben whispered quietly, as if Five didn't know better.

"Change," he said emphatically, pointing up the stairs.

Diego rearranged his face into something he probably _thought_ was pitiful looking but really only came across as constipated. Though that was a very real possibility with those pants.

"But it's _fashion_ , dear Five," he pouted, gesturing lewdly to the pants. "This way everyone can admire the temple that our dear brother calls his body. Look, a six pack! I haven't had a six pack in my life! Have I Ben?" He paused for a moment before realizing he no longer could see and talk with Ben.

"No," Ben responded flatly, seemingly out of habit. 

"Ah, well, I am fairly certain I never did. Unless you count when my body mass index fell, which I definitely do not." He nodded once. "Yes, well, fashion can serve to delight others _and_ show off your assets."

"I don't want you to complain when certain _assets_ ," Five gestured to the red pants. "Lose blood flow and turn gangrenous."

"You are not gonna damage my junk!" Vanya said shrilly, the mansion giving a rumbling warning in response.

Diego gave a loud and long suffering sigh before holding his hands up in defeat. "Fine, _fine_ , you spoil sports, I will go change. Geez, you're worse than Ben." He turned and dramatically drug himself up the stairs.

"You might wanna go after him, make sure he makes a more, ah, _appropriate_ outfit choice this time," Five said to Vanya, whose face was still thunderous. "And take a breath, we don't need you bringing a building down on our heads over Klaus being an ass."

Vanya muttered some crude words that Five pretended not to hear as she hurried up the stairs after Diego.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we get to delve into some Five angst that also doubles as Klaus angst, throw in some Ben angst, and mix well for five minutes.
> 
> There's going to be a lot of hand wavey science from now on and PROBABLY some Star Trek transporter easter eggs. 
> 
> I do have a masters, but it's unfortunately not in theoretical physics, so you're going to have to bear with me!
> 
> I wish I could acquire finery as mysteriously as Five can, but alas.

**Author's Note:**

> We are going to get to the humor of it soon, I promise! I did have Five be a tad bit daft and not really catch on right away, but I blame the brain scrambling! I took creative license, okay? Please don't stone me to death!
> 
> Drop a kudo or a comment! They may not make me write any faster, but they will definitely improve the quality through enthusiasm!


End file.
